Me and Encephalitis Part 2
Recovery and Overcoming Obstacles
Me and Encephalitis – An Encephalitis Survivor while living in Japan. Part 2
This article is written to raise awareness about the brain damage caused by encephalitis and its many side effects. For the first time in five years, I felt compelled to share my story. While this article covers dark topics such as depression and severe anxiety, my aim is to summarize them with a very light-hearted approach. Besides, I am not a psychiatrist and there are many books that cover trauma. Over the years, I have developed my own coping strategies and a positive mindset despite the odds. It is ultimately a message of hope.
In the 5 years since having encephalitis, I have undergone a significant journey as well. While it may not span the 10 years of Homer’s epic tale of Odysseus filled with fantastical beasts and magical places, my experience feels eerily similar. Things have become easier over time thankfully, but there are some underlying dangers still present that I need to be mindful of.
Neither Here Nor There
In the aftermath of encephalitis, I found myself in a state of disorientation and numbness from the trauma. This might have been one of the most critical periods in my recovery. The temptation of just surrendering to this semi-comatose existence, a safe haven reminiscent of the Land of the Lotus Eaters, was unbelievably powerful. However, the doctor alarmed me with his dire warnings: some survivors of encephalitis lose the ability to drive, work, or even become dependent for the rest of their lives! This bleak prognosis ignited a profound urge within me to challenge the boundaries of my damaged brain and strive for recovery as swiftly as possible. Dependency struck a nerve.
By a stroke of luck, I began using my music player to listen to audiobooks. The many random thoughts floating at the edge of my consciousness were tethered and focused on the simple, familiar storylines and the singular voice. Despite being in a zombie-like state of either sleeping or listening to audiobooks, the Observer within me was urging me onward.
The next step was to relearn how to walk again.
An Awakened Giant
Much to my chagrin, I found myself reliving a small inconvenient part of my childhood, relearning how to build emotional filters.
I believe the part of my brain that controls emotions was damaged. As a result, my emotions became highly unstable. Anger came too easily, and severe irrational sadness and joy played havoc on my psyche. The Observer could only watch these reactions with a sense of bewilderment.
Fifty years of experience of emotional control vanished in an instant.
In the days that followed, once the critical period was over, I made the decision to dive into my previous life headfirst as quickly as possible. That might have been a mistake, but bills needed to be paid, and I still had the strong urge to challenge myself by pushing even harder.
As a result, I learned how fearsome my giants can really be.
“You started work too soon! I would have taken more time to recover. Why are you pushing yourself so hard and fast?” – Anonymous coworker
Odysseus encountered the mighty Cyclops in his travels—terrifying giants capable of crushing humanity within their meaty fists. Similarly, I faced my own invisible giants: panic attacks. Unlike Odysseus, this giant will continue to revisit me throughout my life’s journey. If I am lucky, I can escape the giants unscathed, left with a headache. However, as giants can, I can be left crippled as I was in the first staff meeting at the office.
I think it best to point out that I had never suffered from panic attacks. Anxiety was manageable by action. However, now there is an irrational anxiety that haunts me to this day, albeit not as often. Action is still my method to cope with it, but the irrational fears sometimes prevent me from doing so.
Over the years, I have learned a few coping methods to deal with my anxiety:
- Yin Yoga has taught me the method of breathing.
- Listen to audiobooks when my thoughts have strayed too much.
- Sleep whenever and as much as possible.
- Immediately distance myself emotionally from any potential threats that raises my anxiety.
- Avoid lying at all times. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
- Compartmentalize my problems*
*I have unwittingly started to compartmentalize my problems, for better or worse. If something caused me great stress, I would lock it away. To this day, I am still unable to watch Avengers: Endgame because the first time I saw it, I experienced a mild panic attack in the theater due to overwhelming stimulation. It is silly really, because I even bought the DVD! I must try and watch it again someday … the thing is, I have been saying this for 5 years.
Self-reflection is another key to understanding, but it is always in hindsight, isn’t it?
You might be asking yourself at this point, how I was able to cope as a teacher. I am happy to say that teaching gave me razor sharp clarity and focus. It breathed new life into my routine, and I excelled at it. Even to this day, I am thankful to be able to teach because the outside chaos disappears, and I become one with the student. I had to relearn timing though.
The Call of the Siren and the Whirlpool of Death
Although Odysseus and his crew faced both the Sirens and the Whirlpool of Charybdis on separate occasions, I have encountered them both at the same time. These might also be my unfortunate companions in the future, but I am getting better at dealing with them. I hope.
“The blade itself incites to deeds of violence.” ― The Odyssey
COVID and a toxic work environment didn’t help my condition as years passed. The instant gratification of SNS messaging also became a miasma of snares and pitfalls. When working with toxic people, instant messages tend to have double meanings. Reading and rereading intent between the lines created a fiction of sorts, and it is possible that the anxiety I felt exacerbated that. Unconsciously, I started to be sucked into a downward spiral, similar to a whirlpool. My anger, a defense mechanism, rose multiple times throughout this period and I was going to figuratively hurl daggers through my words.
However, my wife’s advice is always sound. Sleep on it. Simplicity in itself. It is hard to put off anger to wait for another day, but upon reflection, this has saved my bacon countless times. Besides, all of those emotions burned my energy and gave me severe headaches. Yes, severe anxiety gives me headaches now.
“There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.” ― The Odyssey
Another time, both the Siren and the Whirlpool beckoned me and I started to feel despair. My plan to start my own business was put into question by myself not long ago. My own insecurities and anxieties pulled me into the downward spiral once again. Despair, tiredness, insecurity, and more beat me down to the point of holding the kitchen knife. The Sirens call was only prevented when I realized the bathtub was dirty.
I called out for help then. Immediately. Suicidal thoughts aren’t something to be worked out alone. I spoke with my father and my uncle.
“A problem shared, is a problem halved” – My uncle
There are few coping strategies for this one I am afraid. Sleep if you can. I suppose one thing I have learned to do is ‘count sheep’ and force myself to sleep. Although, my sheep became a fictional fisherman on a boat pulling up nets during a sunrise while a song played in the background. His name is Pieter, and he is from … The story becomes longer as I try to force myself to sleep each time.
The other is, ask for help. There is no shame in doing that. We can’t do everything on our own. Pride needs to be put aside when you are feeling the call of the Siren.
Cannibals with a Shopping List
Odysseus encountered the giant cannibals of Laestrygonia, who decimated his fleet and consumed many of his crew. In contrast, I faced additional side effects of encephalitis, all gnawing at my psyche.
In the five years since my brain injury, I have learned that there is a long list of changes to my mind and body. If I were to include the typical changes of middle age, this article would become a sad comedy. However, it is important for some people to understand what has occurred after encephalitis, and I believe I can document most of them.
- Sensitivity to changes in air pressure manifests as headaches. If a storm is approaching, I can now uncomfortably predict it.
- My body doesn’t sweat! I don’t know why, but there are times when I should be sweating and I don’t. While this has saved me on deodorant expenses, it isn’t healthy. It is very inconvenient on hot summer days. When I exercise, I can force it.
- Insensitive to temperature. I can’t reliably tell what is hot or cold. This might be related to the previous condition. I do notice I catch colds a bit more often.
- HSP-Type. This term is quite new to me, and I will need to research it further. However, I have become highly sensitive to people’s moods, which is unfortunately heightened by having a 12-year-old daughter in a constant state of crazy! I kind of had this sensitivity before, but it has increased exponentially since. If I am in a room full of people, I sometimes feel irrational anxiety rising within me, creating a need to escape, which wasn’t a problem before.
- I still have emotional extremes at times which has become tempered somewhat. Some TV shows and movies give me heightened emotions whereas they wouldn’t have before. I get frustrated a little more easily over simple things, but I am able to temper it with reasoning.
- I sometimes experience swelling on my head. It creates a ‘V’ at the top of my scalp. This is related to headaches, stress, and changes in air pressure. When I lie down in this state, it feels like a constant earthquake or like I am on choppy seas. It is the only visible representation.
“You are different.” – Anonymous coworker
It wasn’t long ago that both an ex-coworker and the owner of the company I worked for told me that I had changed since encephalitis. I didn’t ask why, because, deep down, I already knew the reasons. During the time of COVID and the ensuing chaos, I learned how to suppress my emotions and distance myself from situations. In doing so, I gained clarity amidst the illusions. In times of crisis, you can truly see who people are.
Me and Encephalitis Conclusion
A few months ago, my close friend from Canada asked me an innocent question: “How is your encephalitis?” This struck me as odd, but it resonated with me nonetheless.
Encephalitis is a one-time occurrence, often leaving behind potential brain damage. Since I had it five years ago, the question seemed out of place. However, it reminded me of how far I’ve come since then. Back when I last spoke to my friend, I was still coming to terms with it—”Encephalitis and Me.” I must have mentioned it often and let it define me.
In these five years, I’ve come a long way. It no longer occupies my thoughts daily. I’ve learned to grudgingly accept it over time. While challenges still arise, self-reflection and observation have become constants in my life. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t come to terms with it and let it continue to define me, I wouldn’t be writing this article today. I wouldn’t be who I am now—independent and strong. Thus, the title of this article became “Me and Encephalitis.”
Odysseus overcame many challenges in his 10-year journey back home. My journey has only been five years, and it continues to this day. I hope you can see the similarities between us, as I stated before. Hopefully, my voyage ends happier than his.
Thank you for being part of my journey.
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